8 Fevrier: paranoid, paranoid

I've decided that studying abroad is definitely a humbling experience. It's bringing out a self-consciousness that I thought I left freshman year of high school. It just seems to bring out a whole new level of self-recognition. We went to a club with Alexia and met her friend there. It was a cool place, a lot of fun actually, great music, but I can't help feeling so out of place so many places that I go. If I ever felt that way at home, it wouldn't make a difference to me- who cares? But here, I feel as though I'm constantly being judged. It's a weird feeling to be experiencing at this point in my life and I think that's why I feel as though this whole trip is very humbling. Although I'm totally comfortable in my normal surroundings at home and at school, the world is much bigger than just those two places. It's weird to learn that even though it's an obvious statement.

Also, learning to be fluent in a language is still completely unfathomable to me and I have so much respect for people who can master more than their original language. It baffles me and I couldn't imagine "thinking" another language like I do English. There are just so many people who speak both French and English here and it amazes me. I think I feel out of place because I don't know the language well and in that sense, I feel as though I'm intruding in a space where I didn't do my research. I hate being an inconvenience to anyone in general so I'm having a lot of trouble dealing with constantly being difficult. I don't like other people having to do my work for me, and I'm in their country so I feel even more intrusive. I also like being efficient and trying to make things go as smoothly as they can and that just doesn't seem totally possible here. It's frustrating but I'm glad for the experience- if it wasn't tough at all, I wouldn't learn anything and I'm definitely here to learn about others and myself.